nostophobia

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 08:59:43 GMT

this isn't done, I have just been lazy and trying to do alot at once.

if any of you care.

ADHD is back up which was a driving force behind me writing this.

I wanted to do what he did without pictures.

http://www.waterlizard.com/inr.htm

Mexico part 2

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 01:49:51 GMT

We got a hotel room in Matamoros to wait for Monday when Customs would reopen. It wasn't much of a hotel room....more of a brothel. Prostitutes hung around like flies at a picnic. The security guards doubled as pimps. You could rent a room for 12 dollars American a night. It was a sliding scale down to 3 dollars for half an hour.I never found out how much the girls cost. I didn't care to know. The town of Matamoros was basically what all border towns look like. Third world countries. Typical Hollywood Mexico Stereotype. Dirty and gross. Animals littered the streets as did...well...litter. I felt kinda bad for the town as it was fitting the stereotypes...it seemed to almost be embrassing them. Alec and I got bored and decided to go get some yogurt...for some reason. We saw a store a few miles back So we start walking. Juan and Lou both warned us to not be fucking around. So we took their warnings and left. First thing that happens as we cross the street is two girls who from the distance looked about 12 were walking towards us. As they got closer we noticed the split lips and tattered clothes and the look of being awake for the past week. THey literally looked like they both just got run over by something big and mean. They were prostitutes. They asked if they could bum a cigarette. I didn't want to get any closer than I had to to them so I kinda said "yeah...ok" and tossed it to them. They asked us what we were doing and we quickly said leaving and did just that. we then continued on to our destination of the super market. As we are talking and messing around I start looking at the ground. and recoil in horror as to what is littering it. Lots and lots of needles. At this point I think this whole trip is getting too crazy even for my standards. This shit can't be possible. It was also starting to get obvious to me the people that were staring at us as we walked. Everyone. We stuck out. badly. For some reason the general Hispanic community is pretty short, Alec and I towered over most everyone. They all were staring at the white giants in their midst and it was clear they did not like us. We didn't exactly dress like everyone else either. My tight pants and Alecs collared shirts were quite the anomally. we tried to just ignore it and again head off to our destination. Everyoen knew we weren't from there and the street kids saw us as fresh meat. coudln't go two steps without little kids runnign up and tuggingg on us and saying "peso!...peso?" We finalkly got to the super market and I was amazed at the things they sold there. You could buy Needles fresh in boxes 50 count 100 count whatever you needed. Dom perigne(sp?) in super markets as well. It was all gettign to be really really weird. I was wondering where the exchange was and if this was an alternative to Americas problems with heroin and what not. I don't rightly know if freely accessible is as opposed to how we do it. It bugged me then and it does still. We got our yogurt some cups and headed back to the hotel.

So it's Friday night on the border so what do we do? Go to the clubs. Our "guide" as it were was a man named "Ican't remember his name" He was missing several teeth though, I remember that. He took us to this strip down by the border. there was a long road with all the clubs in Matamoros on it. I don't remember the name of the club exactly. There were some younger people who sorta dressed like us hanging around out side so we thought "cool this is us" It was 10 dollars American to get in. Free drinks all night. Lou and Alec and I are the ones who went. So we rolled into this fucked up Mexican goth dance club. First thing I see and hear are gigantic tv screens and they are BLARING The Cure. The whole time I am thinking to myself "Mexico keeps gettign wierder and weirder...." We walked up the the bar, which only had one drink. It was pink and called a "Cuba" I don't remember what was in it. But we had alot of it. It was the drink of choice while in Mexico. I start gettign loosened up and busting out all the white boy dances I could. Lou and Alec foudn some girls and were already off to the middle of the dance floor, so I was alone and enjoying myself. All the drinking and drinking and more drinking that evening started making me miss Jewlie, but I tried to push it aside and just have fun. We lasted past two am there. and we all piled back into the expedition to go find girls. So we start cruising the "strip" and Lou is screaming "talk to that girl! talk to that girl!" We roll up on three girls. They were at a different club. So we got them to come with us to get more beer at Senor Frogs. we walk in and get a bucket of beer. whcih is literally a bucket filled with beer bottles. They are playing music and what not we are dancing. These girls only speak spanish and I don't so I just drink and watch everyone interact. There was a very drunk man walking around with a car battery hooked up to these metal rod things. this was some sort of game. You hold onto the rods as he slowly turns up teh car battery. Now this...didn't seem safe in any way to me. Peer pressure kicked in and I was forced to try it. It hurt...alot. My hands started like shrinking into themselves and I had to use all my strenght I coudl just to drop the rods. so we said our goodbyes got their phone numbers and went back to the hotel. I should at this point ellaborate on teh hotel. It was basically a bunch of garages with doors on them and showers. the only channels you coudl get on the tv was porn, two porn channels running constantly. teh bed I was sleeping in when I pulled back the sheets had blood on them and there was an ant colony in the shower.

So basically they had one purpose, which was for the prostitutes and that is it. Before I went to sleep I was informed Staurday night was Strip club night.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 02:48:21 GMT

PS I have like 5 more pages I am typing up tonight, what I posted today was like half a page.

Carry on.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 00:10:31 GMT

Ok. So, in order to read this you will have to be my LJ friend. as there are some parts that are a bit intimate and I don't need the whole world reading and you WILL have to start at the bottom to understand what the hell is going on.

Right now this is the first rough draft. so there is no real dialogue just a rough outline of what happened when etc, so I can no where I am going.

Dialogue will be added in the second outline.

And on and on till I finish the fucker.

So....

have fun reading about my life.

this is a start

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 00:08:09 GMT

Cointinuing from where I left off:

I drove over to the gas station to get gas. The attendent took one look at my car and had me pull into the shop. Turns out the rear springs had buckled and I was dangerously close to losing my whole back end. So I had to have that replaced. I called Diane and asked her to float a loan of $500 dollars to get it fixed. She did, well Rob did after a short delay with that I was back on the road. Driving through towns I will never remember the names of. Everything was fine I was doing good, teh cruise control was set at a steady 65 I had plenty of cigarettes and rockstars..until I realized I had been driving for over 24 hours straight. I started hallucinating 40 miles outside of Nashville. I tried to get throught that last 30 minutes of driving but the trees started talking to me. I pulled over in a rest stop and promptly passed out.

I awoke at 10am I called Jazmin and got directions. I was driving up 65 things were starting to look familiar. it was wierd. I was at jazmins at about 11. She had to go to school. I needed more sleep. I met her in the driveway. She told me to go inside and sleep. I walked in and saw her grandmother who was staring at me. I stared back and said "Hi, I'm Matt.....I live here now" she continued staring at me and said "No speak english!" with a wave of her hand she was gone and I was left standing in the entryway to a house I now live at with no one else home. So I did what anyone who had been driving for two days would do. I went to sleep.

I don't know how much later but Alec came in and started yelling at me "We are going to Mexico, get teh fuck up!"
So, we did.
Jazmins Aunt was moving there. Xalapa specifically, the state of veracruz. She had left everythign in nashville and it was our job to bring it all back to her. We had two Expeditions and two Chevy S-10 trucks. Lou was driving one truck and Juan was towing one behind his expedition and Frank was driving his expedition. We bascally ahd a gigantic convoy on a very very long drive. 26 hours from Nashville to the border. 24 hours from the border to Xalapa. This was going to take several days. Alec and I and Lou Piled into one of the s10's Alec immediately falls asleep so Lou and I are left to talk for oh about a DAY. we don't stop much just continue driving. We got to the border on a friday. little did we now that customs was closed for the weekend. We were stuck in matamoros till Monday. Frank was not one to wait around and decided to head on ahead to Xalapa. leaving us at the border. The Bottom of Texas. I got to thinking that I passed here in the Lincoln not too long ago heading the opposite direction. Kinda wierd. Before Frank left he and Juan headed down to the border leaving carlos, alec and I alone at this crazy gas station somewhere between America and Mexico. They came back with a story of some guy walking around holding his intestines in a shopping bag.

Welcome to Mexico.

The border was hot, I didn't assume it would be. I guess it makes sense considering the bottom of texas HAS to be hot. Alec and I came up with this idea that we needed to stand on the road between Mexico and the U.S and "look hard" which basically consisted of us coming up with teh most generic white boy rap poses we coudl think of and stare at peopel walking around. I had to get a thing that said I was a us citizen and transfer all my money over at the exchange so while Alec and Carlos tried to start fights I did that. For the most part we were there all day Friday doing nothing. closer to 5pm than 8 am we were cleared to enter Mexico.

Part three I guess.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 00:06:23 GMT

This would be part three of the original...three.

I am goign to finish the story this way, first. so here is about a third of what I wrote at work the other day. I don't have time to type it all up right now.

My Stepfather Married my mother when i was very young. He was my basic "role model". THere relationship was how I learned to view relationships, they never faught never argued, nothing. They had a perfect marriage. So when I was 13 my mother died. Which is why I was in Oregon to begin with. He was now getting remarried, 7 years later. So I had to fly out for that. It seems whenver Jazmin and I got to hang out it was during some crisis or another (trial, Tour, Marriage). SO I flew out of Burbank for the wedding.

Jazmin picked me up and everything was back to normal between us. It seems we get along better when we were together than when we were across the country. That goes well and I start thinking about moving back again. I fly back home after it all and continue working and being with Jewlie. I keep talking to Jazmin and decide to move back to TN. In October. I was actually going to drive. I really liked the idea of seeing the country. it's not very often you get to be young and retarded and drop everythign in your life to go somehwere else. I filled up the Lincoln and drove to Highway 40. I was getting on with my life.

Once you start driving for a long time, you lose track of time and the hours all blend together. I was trying to busy myself with the mountain of cds I had with me. I was a college radio dj in Oregon for like 4 years so I had alot of music. Mostly punk and Indie. I was slowly goign the way of the indie rock. I was getting over punk, I was getting sick of vocalists who couldn't sing. I STILL enjoyed some of it though. Anyway, I pulled over to get some gas in New Mexico, it was close to noon and I had been driving all night. I took a nap in the front seat. Woke up an hour and a half later covered in sweat. That sucked.

rough outline 1-04 \4 - 04

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 23:42:35 GMT

Wu-TANG CLAN AIN"T NOTHIN TO FUCK WITH.

Back from Ca - sadness insues, lots of phone calls and hope.

labour ready - aids, let's kill the white boy, a prayer for owen meaney. in the bathrrom "don't let me fuck this up"

Selestino - bowling drinking, those aren't words, no sleep.

Juan - death threats, hanging out, baby momma drama

Taco Bell - the back room, robbery, cops, Yu ghi oh

Hendersonville - waffle house, carrie, and bethany and laura late nights, band shit.

Long distance calls - get me out of here.

Drinkingg - Shots in the basement.

Band - Bubba, no sleep, grandpa, assault, storms, fireworks, show.

shows - murder by death , Denali, Northstar, chronic future, stars hide fire, comesto, ampline, cursive!, mike park,
decahedron, magnolia electric, emery reel, celebrity, I am the WTC, De Novo Dahl, gloria record.

Calypso - boredom, american idol, nico

Carrie-whitney - work, bangin in the backroom

Lincoln - flat tires, police

excursion - the hall way

X5 - mach five

coco - Stacy, jess, chlamydia!, everyone else, Kat Hime, fries, beer, no sleep

Florida - realizations, driving, beard, smite me!, pensacola is hot. no sleep, driving wench

DBA - Drum mania!

Adams house - Family guy weird porn

Sam Ash - guitars acoustics

Stephanie - ...oh wtf?

that one week - house break in tino stopping screaming and crying Jazmins hospital I was almost raped, four year olds cocaine

the house - remy chachi, hermilla passed out, don't talk about any of it.

no sleep

hip hop

hvilel parks laura confusion

tired, closet, what am I doing here?

fights.

---------------------------------

After 4 - 04

Death comes to dance party
Evergreens tutus
Rin - tutus, haunted houses
Dane
Jess freks out - Charley truitt
Death cab faint

You are my density.

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 04:40:44 GMT

Working has not made me forget about this I am writing alot at work.

The order this is going to go in is

I am going to write out the original outline (working on it)
Then do the second draft of everythign without the dialogue ( started that)
Thirdly I am doing the last one with dialogues.

Sending it over to Tyler and Shannon for study, see what I should add take out.

Then final draft.

when I get more done it will be going up I atleast want to get several more pages done this week.

I GOT NO MOTIVATION

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 23:13:47 GMT

No motivation + Too much piano playing = Matt never getting anything done.

There is more, I am just lazy. This will get done though.

What really sucks is I have to be in the right frame of mind to do anything at all with this, I haven't been the least bit depressed as of lately.....soooo Yeah.

Blowfish and funk?

letter number: 2 (moderate climates)

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 03:07:58 GMT

Another happier letter, written a long time ago, obviously we were still together.

So yeah, I just got off the phone with you and I would liek to try and explain my poistion a little better. Yes I DO love you. That being a hard sentence to say for me especially because I have fallen I have thought I was in love in the past and was never sure if it was this fabled love thing or just being stupid or whatever. Now teh way I see it is: Is this girl someone I could eventually see myself marrying? There are other factors that shape it as well. Teh rule of three comes to mind. You(you being a male) will meet 3 great woman in their lifetimes. I believed this for a longtime......but girls have come and gone. which leads me to stop believeing it. I can twist it and omit facts all I want to make you be the third but I dunno. That is neither here nor there. Anyway any girl I would be in love with would have to me someone I could see myself marrying. Yes in a number of years I could see myself marrying you. You and I get along better tha n any relationship I have ever been in. I loved every second I spent with you. There isn't one thing I would change about you. (this is a biggie for me, I am gigantic perfectionist. I find flaws in everyone it sucks.

At that point I stopped writing.

no reason for this it won't be part of anything.

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 02:55:15 GMT

I wrote a bunch of letters to jewlie and I never sent them. here is one. the other I might type up real fast or wait until later.

these were never sent:

---------

I haven't spoken to you in....I really can't remember how long, but for some reason I feel like writing you a letter. By Candellight no less. I have been feeling rather home sick lately. Which I guess is what prompted this. As you know I considered you "home" or my "center" or True North if I was a boater. That though, is neither here nor there. There being relative as I don't kno wwhere there is anymore. I am ok with this though. I suppose I am going through on of those "what does it all mean" things. Cause I am unsure of my place here these days.

I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter and actually sent it. You getting this or rather if I decide to send this will be determined in the morning, or when I get your address. It's currently close to 5 A.M. here and I am supposed to be going to Knoxville today. A some point, for a party. Haven't decided if I feel up to it or not yet. I'd imagine I will go. Free beer is just that, free beer. I would ask how you are, but that would mean I want a letter in return. I don't. I'm not sure I am open to discussion with you yet. It's not that I am still upset, but with everythign that has been/is going on here...I just don't know. I suppose I could tell you some things about my life here. I was married for a week. Jazmin assaulted me. I drive a van now. We ad a band but our drummer left us for a 13 year old girl. I met Jenny Lewis on accident. Formed a new band. Trying to tour. Umm.....I have a "room" now. It's in " " because it's actually just a closet I made into a room for myself. Umm...I went to Florida Realized that I have crossed the entire country in a little under a year and have exactly nothing to show for it. You know The Morning you wake up and realize you aren't a kid anymore and your life is going nowhere us a very...very..very VERY bad morning. Well, Page two. Never saw that coming.

Anyway I do pretty well about not thinking about you. Sometimes though I like to feel like shit so I glance at your LJ or whatever. Those days are few and far between though. This book I am writing in is pretty full of songs I wrote abotu you. I may or may not send one along with this. We shall see how I feel. I umm think this is enough for one night. I have alot to do tomorrow.

It is currently 5:50 A.M I left my headphones in Alec's room or I would be listening to one of the hundreds of cd's to my right. I found the pictures of us just now, when I was cleaning and I stopped for a second and wondered why I keep things like that. I would imagine you destroyed all evidence of me. I also foudn the book that you sent with the cd, the lyrics I suppose. I actually still listen to that cd alot. It's in teh van right now. Since I started this letter we HAVE Begun talking again. I do keep forgetting to get your address though. I haven't yet decided when I will be sending this. If I DO decide to move back to Oregon I may send it from there. More of a way to pass the time while flying. If I have spent two years traveling almost the entire North american land mass and I still haven't found myself. I believe I will be an utter lost cause. Enough of that. I have done enough soul searching for this year. I am sitting in my "room" currently surrounded by jesus candles. It's actually quiet peaceful. in here. Once you get used to it. Kind of worried about spiders though. I decided tonight that I have spent a great deal of my life collecting things. Now I will get rid of all of it and the guilt that has followed me with it. I bet now you are thinking "golly gee, I wonder how he will do that?" Fear not citizen! for I have EBAY. Yeah that was lame.

remember to remember to forget you forgot me.

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 02:35:09 GMT

Short thing, I had to get out of my system, will be more indepth when finished....

This time last year I was enjoying chanukah with Jewlies family. As I had said before. I was living in Tennessee and she was in CA and I missed her like nobodies buisness so we hatched a plan to fly me to CA for Christmas. So I did and I arrived on Christmas Eve, 2003. When I got off the Plane at Burbank I was sooo excited, and when I saw her there, I froze. I ran up to her and hugged her for a long time. I wouldn't let go I couldn't after everything I had gone through in Tennessee all the nights of fighting with Jazmin and just hating life completely. It was nice to be wanted, to feel loved. That girl was everything to me and during that hug everything was ok. The hell was fine, cause I was back with her and that is all that mattered. SHE was all that mattered. We got a hotel room the first night, so we could be alone. the next morning we went to my aunts house, that is where I lived when I was there. That is where I was staying for this trip. we had a bunch of stuff planned to do. Beaches and Santa Monica and sex, lots of sex. haha. I was unsure if everything would stay the same, like my leaving would change how we felt, but nothing was changed it was all perfect. I had told her I loved her, after I left CA, and she had never been able to say it back. I respected that and just let it go I figured she would come around when she was ready. I was beside myself with joy. Just waking up next to her was well worth it. I was there for 13 days. we were going to make the most of them all. So we did, we did everything and I loved her and she knew it and I was happy and I am sure she was too. We went and looked at apartments in Santa Monica and talked about getting a puppy. She was everythign I ever wanted and I felt liek the luckiest person alive. Cause I had her, I did have to go back to Tennessee. I could come back though, I could save money and move back and live with her, waking up to her everyday would have been the greatest thing ever.

But..I had to go back and we both knew it and it was tearing me apart. I tried to say everythign I could I tried to do everything I could to make her happy while I was there, cause I was going back and at that distance what can I do? Nothing I had to leave her happy. So I thought I did. When I did go back, on teh last day we sat in the airport for a long time just kissing and holding each other, cause neither of us knew when we would see each other again..when I was completely out of time and I had to board the plane.

The last thing she said was "I love you"

Remember to remember to forget you forgot me

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 10:36:59 GMT

Today is the aniversary of me going to CA to see Jewlie. I was there for 13 days some of you may remember this. so in rememberance of that I wrote that part of the story, but I am too lazy to type it all out right now. I got really drunk at the bar saw half my high school, and just now took valium. So, I am a bit groggy. BUT I promise it will go up tomorrow night.

At my parents I will type it up. you can marvel at the utter bliss I was in for 13 days.

so...

Remember to remember to forget you forgot me.

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 21:31:22 GMT

The first time I met Alec, we were getting donuts. I was in Tennessee for a court thing and he was 13. He talked alot of shit to me, it was funny. He also tried to make coffee. Ask Alec about making coffee sometime. The Second time I met him, I had barely been asleep and he bounded into Jazmins room screaming "WE ARE GOING TO MEXICO GET THE FUCK UP"

And, so. we went to Mexico.

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 21:25:17 GMT

So I should like do this, cause I said I would. So here goes. this is all off the top of my head and we will see how far I get.

This isn't a book so much as a story. Almost two years of my life spent traveling the majority of the United States and Mexico. It was hell, for alot of reasons and amazing for alot more reasons. While most of my friends were in school I was drinking heavily in the bottom of Mexico, and getting lost at the top of Florida cause we had no idea where we were. It was Trying to write a song at 4am after being awake for 24 hours recording. It was amazing. Alot of people talk about finding yourself and they go to school and become lawyers or lazer technitions. I can't exactly determine when I figured it all out, or atleast figured this little bit of myself out. The main place i nca think of though is standing on a beach of white sand on no hours of sleep at 8 am in Florida and thinking to myself "I have now officially seen both oceans and the gulf of Mexico in a little over 7 months" It was a stunning realization. Scary to think that this is what my life had come to. Doing whatever I can to get wherever I can. Maybe the next town will be different and I won't want to leave or maybe I will find a girl I like here, or maybe, or maybe, or maybe. When we left Florida it solidified it. I had to stop. I had to go home. I made one giant loop crossing the continent several times. It is true when they say all roads lead home, cause here I am. Back where I never wanted to be, writing a book I am not sure if anyone will ever read.

At the end of it all, I dunno. I miss alot of things about alot of places. I don't miss alot more. We had a lot of fun kids. I lost myself entirely and woke up a completely different person in the back of a van in Nashville, or in a strip club in Mexico, or at a police check point in a border town i will never remember the name of, or in an ex girlfreinds bad, or standing on the Santa Monica pier and WISHING I never had to go anywhere else, or holding a girl in a park in Thousand Oaks, or on a layover in Chicago, or runnign from the cops, or with a head full of drugs at one of the greatest shows I have ever been to.

You have all been a part of what I have become, and I would like to thank you all for it.

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 11:38:38 GMT

I am actually not going to have a computer for a couple days after today. So everything i have been writing will be put up the next time I get a computer.

I have the intro to Mexico done, and I am wrking on just doing everything in Mexico as one big chapter....it will be huage but oh well. Possibly also my trip FROM LA to Nashville, which was surprisingly uneventful. I only almost died once.

So that whole Month will be up in the next 3-4 days.

thanx guyz.

Off the Lassiter coast.

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 10:41:22 GMT

OK, first post.

Tonight I will work on uploading some more stuff, I am thinking about writing alot out on paper then, scanning it in and putting it in here.

I am having problems with some of the codes on this journal so if anyone wants to offer any assistance PLZ do.

So yeah, PART of the Mexico story will be done tomorrow. I dunno what chapter that would be but it will be the esaiest to do as I have most of the notes written down. So that will be finished tomorrow, I am still working on what to call it. I have a few running names currently but none I am REALLY satisfied with. I think for the most part this is going to be freinds only, so if you want to know what is going on with it. you will have to add me.

Sorry this isn't for everyone until I am done.